Sex, Puns, and Rock 'n' Roll
by scowlofjustice
Summary: Metro City is in no peril for the moment, but Roxanne isn't any less annoyed with Megamind's passion for musical fame. Borderline crackfic, or entirely believable that Megamind would form a metal band? Reader decides. Pre-movie.


A crescent-shaped blade made its slow descent from a far ceiling above. It was a deadly pendulum which neared its victim by a minute degree with every passing sweep. It bore resemblance both to the pendulum of a clock, and to the scythe of the Grim Reaper—representing the ticking away of one's life as it would slowly turn into an agonizing death. This pendulum did not tick, but it made an impressive 'whoosh' with each successive swipe. The gleaming blade dropped closer and closer to the abdomen of its prey, bound and helpless on her back.

"I've gotta hand it to you," said Roxanne, bound and helpless on her back, "I wasn't expecting a setup quite like this."

"Then would you care to know, Ms. Ritchie," said Megamind, swooping over to her in his desk chair, "that this particular method of torture was rumored to have been used during the Spanish Inquisition?"

"And all this time I thought they used comfy chairs," quipped Roxanne.

"Oh! Ooh!" Squealed Minion, clapping his giant metallic fingers, "I see _exactly_ where you're going with this, sir! _You're_ saying that Ms. Ritchie wasn't _expecting_ this, because as they say, _nobody_ expects the—"

There was a dual "UGH" as Megamind and Roxanne both groaned in unison.

"Minion," moaned Megamind, "Can't you, for once, go for a little _subtlety? _I practically had this entire thing thought out, and the very backbone of Evil image making is having well-scripted dialogue."

"Well, it's the thought that counts," supplied Roxanne. "But can we have this discussion later? I really don't feel like getting chopped in half today. Save the banter for Metro Man."

"_Roxanne,_" gasped Megamind, "You don't have to put on the Red Light."

The Red Light was an app on Roxanne's phone designed to alert Metro Man of "danger." "Danger" in this context is defined as Megamind getting lost in his own lengthy ramblings regarding the genius of his latest schemes, and to save everyone from boredom, a method was implemented which allowed Roxanne to contact Metro Man in the event of "danger." The fact that it blinked red was only a measure that allowed its user to know whether it was active, for Metro Man was the only person around who could hear its sonic screech.

"You see, Ms. Ritchie," Megamind continued, "You misunderstand my reason for bringing you here today."

Roxanne raised an eyebrow, and even Minion looked shocked.

"Metrocity is in no peril for the moment," said Megamind. "I think its delightful citizens deserve a much needed break from terror. But it has come to my attention that what this city really needs is some serious metal."

Roxanne knitted her eyebrows and opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by Minion.

"Don't tell us that you're really planning on—"

"Planning on WHAT?" Demanded Roxanne.

"Only forming the most intense metal band this sad town has ever seen," spat Megamind. "And I need your help. Just imagine," he sighed, waving his hands in the air, "_JUSTICE_, a non-corrosive metal band, with Roxanne Ritchie on vocals."

Roxanne impulsively tried to lift herself up in disbelief, but failing at that, just stared at him with her mouth agape. When she finally remembered how to breathe, she said, "What the hell have you been drinking?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say I've been drinking," said Megamind. "It's more that…I've been _bathing._ That is, bathing my ears with really _intense_ tunes. Lately I've made an observation that the colder and darker a country is, the better metal music it produces," he said. "For instance, would you care to guess what I listen to as I'm shining the fenders on my invisible car?"

Roxanne glared at him. Megamind took this as a cue to continue.

"Why, naturally I listen to _Polish _metal as I _polish _metal_, _ha-ha!" Megamind chorused.

"Oh, what a delightful pun! That was awfully clever of you," Minion chimed in.

"I know," said Megamind, pretending to wipe away a tear of laughter. "I find Norwegian bands to be fantastic as well," he said. "I would definitely travel to Norway…that is, if I had the money to a-_fjord_ it, ha-ha-ha!"

"Oh, for the love of _God,"_ groaned Roxanne. "If your death machines don't kill me, your terrible puns will. And furthermore, why do you have me strapped up like this if you don't even have any evil plans going on?"

"Well, er," sputtered Megamind, "It is very intense and metal, after all. I mean, just look at the really big spikes on the side of the pendulum," he said, pointing.

"_Okay,"_ said Roxanne, leery. "But what do you need _me_ for? I can't really sing—"

"You don't need to," blurted Megamind. "You just need to SCREAM! And I know you can do that."

"You haven't heard me scream in years," Roxanne scoffed.

As usual, Megamind failed to see the possible innuendos that could be made out of such a statement. That didn't, however, stop him from inadvertently making matters worse. "Maybe so," he said, "But you just wait and see! One of these nights, the entire city is going to hear you cry out with the raging passions of—_damn good music." _


End file.
